The right message and the wrong method lead nowhere: The problem isn’t what you said. The problem begins before you even open your mouth.

When you discuss things with your staff or with your customers, do you listen to what they say? Do you pay attention, or do you just wait for your turn to present your ideas?

Are you a leader who just waits for your turn to speak and puts all your effort into getting your employees to like you? But the most important question to ask yourself is: Do you want your employees to like what you say or what you execute?

Why mirror method works

One of the most effective communication methods to try is the mirror method, focused on reverse communication. Let’s say a person comes to you with a problem. They explain the problem in detail while you carefully listen without interruption.

Once they’re fully done with expressing the problem, it’s your turn. Tell them their exact problem in detail, but use technical vocabulary relevant to your industry.

According to psychologist Carl Rogers, people are more likely to accept change and direction when they feel understood and not evaluated. In his person-centered theory, Rogers argues that psychological safety is built on reflective listening.

To increase the feeling of psychological safety in the business environment you lead, the first step is to master the skill of reflective listening.

Reflecting back on their problem ensures you several things:

• They comprehend that you’ve listened carefully and deduce that you care enough for them, which makes them feel heard and safer in your environment.
• They comprehend that you understand their problem, and they start building trust in you as an expert in the field.
• They are ready to act with less defense and more trust towards a person who knows about their problems as much as they do.

In the context of a doctor’s office, for example, this translates to: If this doctor knows my problem better than I do, they must be the person capable of fixing it!

How to make reverse communication part of your leading system

In businesses, staff often refuse to execute proposed tasks not because the tasks feel too difficult, but because they don’t feel heard. They don’t feel psychological safety in that environment. They don’t feel their reality is acknowledged before a new task is proposed.

When you apply the reverse communication method — listen first, and reflect back at them — they will generally respond with less pushback. This method may look like people-pleasing, but the two have completely different goals.

The reverse communication method is different from people-pleasing. If you’re a people-pleaser, your ultimate goal is to fit in and reduce your own anxiety from potential pushback. When you apply the reverse communication method, your immediate goal is to get staff in a psychologically safe state, where they’re the most receptive to taking instructions and executing.

While Rogers proves why the mirror method works psychologically, former FBI negotiator Chris Voss, author of Never Split the Difference, explores why the method works strategically. According to him, mirroring is one of the most powerful communication tools, and it has nothing to do with people-pleasing. It disarms people and makes them ready to move forward.

Do you want your business to move forward? It can’t be done without effective leader-team communication. Use the mirror method as your leadership strategy to build an environment focused on safety. It is what your staff and even your customers need.

Leaders don’t need likes

The purpose of the mirror method isn’t to make your staff like you. You don’t need staff to be your friends, and neither do they need you. You’re not there to be liked. You’re there to lead and to be respected.

Sometimes, likability can be a byproduct of respect built through an environment that makes people feel heard. But it should never be the goal.  

When the building is on fire, nobody looks for the leader they like. They look for the leader who will make the right call. The mirror method helps you gain respect from your staff. People-pleasing doesn’t. One signals that you see and understand the staff clearly. The other signals that you constantly agree with them despite logic.

Create a performance culture

When applied consistently and on all business levels, the mirror method has a strong impact on your business culture. Your staff stops performing for approval and starts performing for purpose. Top performers want to know where they’re going and that their leader sees them clearly enough to get them there.

Comfort was never a motivation for people at the top. Highest achieving professionals wake up every day asking themselves where their career is going, what is the next challenge, and if their current leader is the one to take them to the top. A performance culture built on reverse communication answers all three questions even before they are asked.

When your staff feels heard and seen, the environment shifts. Structure appears as safety, and safety boosts motivation. The performance follows.

Conclusion

The mirror method isn’t a soft leadership tactic. It is the ultimate respect that you can give staff (and even customers), and as a by-product, improve performance from staff (and even customer conversions).

See your people clearly. Reflect them accurately. Then lead them somewhere worth going.

The best businesses are never the ones with the best individuals. The best businesses are the ones with leaders who can see the individuals clearly to make the systems work for them.

The right message and the wrong method lead nowhere: The problem isn’t what you said. The problem begins before you even open your mouth.

When you discuss things with your staff or with your customers, do you listen to what they say? Do you pay attention, or do you just wait for your turn to present your ideas?

Are you a leader who just waits for your turn to speak and puts all your effort into getting your employees to like you? But the most important question to ask yourself is: Do you want your employees to like what you say or what you execute?